On a recent morning, I hung up the phone with my divorce attorney. Only now I realise all that I feel, others feel too. And apparently, my sadness lingers at moments. You may have to find. You may interpret my conclusions as bitterness or cynicism, more pronounced at moments and evaporating at others. You may continue hurting 10 years later because of being fed with negative information of your ex-wife thereby holding you from getting over your past hurts. Hang in there, perhaps get a pet.mine have given me pleasure & a reason to keep going. I still find myself falling into a funk in November and December, and then it takes all of January to get my feet back under me. I wish him a happy life after all, if you truly love someone, you want them to be happy, even if it is not with you. We all grieve differently. I dont believe staying together for child sake. The unearthing of secrets when, like a woman possessed, I became Miss Marple, Agatha Christie would have approved. But the empty presence has never gone for me I was 51 when he left and I have no trust to even think of a new partner. Whether you're 32 years old or just 2, whether you're one-half of the once happily . According to multiple reports, the singer has requested to dismiss his divorce case against Princess. Great article. Coparenting is difficult. Good article and I will add to it. But you have to stop punishing yourself and adding to the belief that you lost your one and only chance for true love. My exhusband moved on quickly and even has a new baby. Most days I only want to lay around and play videogames. Instead, there is the story of the three of us together, of something in me irrevocably fractured, and I can only hope, less so in my sons. I barely get 3 hours a night sleep and am super lucky if I get 4 hours, while he goes on cruises several times a year and vacations several times a year with his new wife. My children are grown and many milestones are coming up. You have summed up my sentiments towards my ex as if I had typed this out! Your piece really spoke to me. But I wish we never got divorced. Meaning, if I could find someone to date, I would be all for it, but since I can'twell then, I say I just don't want to date. I am proud of all you women as I am proud of myself, for making it through. That alone really destroys me when I think about it but I have to be strong for my little granddaughter who I have not met yet but one day I hope to. Median duration of first marriages that end in divorce: Males: 7.8 years Females: 7.9 years. The hurt will never quite go away. I realize this website was for moms, but couldnt help but reply. After a happy 28-year marriage, we're getting a divorce. You choose to leave now leave me alone. Best Wishes,Ben Schwarcz, MFTSanta Rosa Psychotherapist. Its been more than a dozen years, but the fact of my divorce, the speed with which the marriage unraveled, the ease with which my spouse moved on, the tumultuous aftermath that dragged on for a decade, the onslaught of related losses All of it still hurts. However, while you may expect to feel a bit sad about your ex moving on, you may be surprised or confused at the . My career has suffered. Especially finding out about the other persons affair 2 years later and how it was happening for much longer. Thank you for this. I do not miss him or want him back, I miss the shared life that we once had and the family and shared traditions that still happen and carry on with the person he left me for. For example, youre allowing your thoughts of adoption to be muddied by thoughts of the way it should be. ", And believe me, its been so hard and heartbreaking. But, it better be given deep and long thoughts the effects and consequences. So.i take some comfort from the fact that others feel this way as well. "@type": "Answer", Come discover on this free, award-winning website the two secrets 250,000 parents have used to save their money, make their own decisions, and create their better futures. And my bitterness prevents me from speaking to her, despite her efforts to remain friends. I didn't know if I'd ever allow myself to fall in love again after my marriage ended but here I was. I will search for a gentler and more compassionate website. Do those things! 'We were still in love when our marriage ended' I got divorced because of a communication breakdown (that oversimplifies it, really) but I regret it because we were probably still in love when. I am coming to terms with that but its hard. Thanks agai, appreciate what youve written. I was 21 and immature and didn't know how to communicate in a healthy manner & I have an . I had an amazing marriage, and I loved being a husband. Yes, I am male. But the pain lingers under the surface always. Thank goodness our children are grown and have started families of their own, so no coparenting or custody to deal with. I am grateful that the man in my life sees my joy and hears my laughter; these are qualities in our life together that are our normal. (How great is that?) I am actually the one who left my husband. Trying to still piece together some normalcy with my grown daughters and now my 2 wonderful He is now married to the woman he left me for, after 30 years together. Dear Sugars, I'm a middle-aged father of one teenage girl. I wished I had not been so trusting and in love 21 years ago. Not all things cost money that you can do or see! Deep down, if she tried to come back, Id take her back. Then she decided to take her Mom for a vacation to ensure that she was at peace and enjoy a new atmosphere outside the norm. Are you a parent who's separated divorced Or NEVER-MARRIED ? He stopped speaking to me full stop. Other people here have shown me that there is nothing wrong with the way I feel, and I cannot thank you all enough for that. You arent able to find joy in your life as it is. Sheila. I often hear wives say things like: "Sure, he's sorry . That awful truth of divorce brings depression, devastation and a feeling of despair that we have never experienced and is hard to explain. My ex gave up her life,family and friends in another country to marry me 30 years ago. When you ask your 21 year old how her mom is doing ,she says not good and starts sobbing. All the you statements are certainly not appropriate. Thank you again for sharing your stories. Wishing you all the best Some changed for the better, some are still works in progress. I wa interested in this website. Think Im going to leave her too. There are tactics you can use the get passed the pain, I promise. It's easy to slip into dramatic self-pity mode when you're the one left behind, just as it was in my divorce. I identified with your feelings of sadness many years after divorce. However, there are plenty of ways to fight off the causes of depression, and a good support group will help you get through the worst parts of the divorce without it having a major impact on your life moving forward. Better if you acknowledge the pain and express it openly instead of trying to deny it as if it doesnt exist at all. And so I come to accept my reality: Sadness can coexist with happiness; some wounds may never heal though we learn to live with the pain; some pain may never subside completely. The process of divorce brings forth a torrent of pain, anger and cruelty, the detritus of which still hangs over me like a cloud. You Will Grieve After Divorce, And It's Painful As Hell. My divorce happened suddenly and unexpectedly (to me) 12 years ago after 26 years of marriage. I cannot be the women I was before, and I do not know who I am now. I am glad I read this. Divorce was 5 years ago. Online community for divorced moms and single mothers, advice on Relationships, Health, Beauty, Sex, Parenting, Finances, Divorce Blogs, Resource Articles and more. I devoted my whole life to him and our 2 adult kids who blame me for everything and no longer speak with me but have welcome the child bride with open arms. I just do not what I am frightened of. I have stayed very close to his family (I only have my mother as immediate family) and so now and again I have to have contact with him. I wanted to keep my family together but could not. I love being reminded that we can carry both happy and sad. After a breakup, I like most people, feel like a shell of a woman, with no hope for a better future. It is nice to know there are others out there besides me. I want to heal, move in, live with joy and pursue my dreams! Try to find joy in the fact that you have those feelings for her instead of focusing on the pain of losing her. I still wonder why he left, although the reality was that he lived a double life with me! Never have found out exact reason, except maybe money. Later she said no, I guess not and went on to a great life without nice. I have been doing a lot of soul searching trying to figure out the consistent sadness I feel after 7 years. Concentrate on investments that would help you work out what is best for you and stop being obsessed about your ex-partner. Keeping the bed. what gets me thru life is God and my kids and grandkids . Mental health experts agree that divorce is comparable to the loss of a loved one, which makes sense given that you're suffering the loss of a marriage and all that goes with it. Most likely, it is because the couples still have the pain of past marriage. Being the left behind spouse I struggle a great deal. That includes old school values like honoring commitments, following through on responsibilities, working through issues rather than walking away. It was so good to read something I have been feeling for over 15 years. It truly has broken my heart. Hang on there, you are so precious to God, and there is not one moment whatsoever that He has not been by your side, He will carry you thru this. 15 years after divorce she is bubbling over with joy, energy and health. I have adult children and yes, they have their own lives. Life is very cruel to people who do the right thing and the people who lie, cheat, steal and betray just seem to get on with life as if nothing has happened. I worked on becoming a better person for 20 years. As Cheryl Lawrence says above, I live with dead dreams. I am with a wonderful man now and I am happy, and still sad too. I love how it allows us to feel and to be ok with the idea that we are sad despite our happiness. The fact that she decided to blow me off and easily moved on to a wonderful life (without me) hurts a great deal. Then the shoe dropped. Sam, have you considered going to therapy to work through your pain? If you continue drinking to avert suffering, then this will never help you to heal, and your emotions towards life will only worsen. All you have to do is Be Still and trust in God, He will take care of the rest. Ray J and Princess Love are giving their marriage another shot. My reservations with acting on adopting is that I would be exposing a child to a broken home. Transformational Coaching and Psychotherapy, Benjamin Schwarcz, MFT, ACAP-EFT, Santa Rosa Psychotherapist and Coach, Psychedelic Somatic Interactional Psychotherapy, EFT Clinical Consultation for Health Professionals, Tapping Into Joy: Meridian Tapping and Mindfulness for Depression. I still cry daily for my marriage but also as a single parent of an autistic son and tween girl life is tough. The world wants everyone to be over things. This so much speaks to me . I have tried to date, but it never works out. My goals and dreams have suffered. Are you talking to anyone on a regular basis about how you are feeling? We dont need another answer, do we? He moved on quite quickly and as soon as got his girlfriend dropped our kids. "acceptedAnswer": { I gave someone my entire heart, promises, vows, ups, downs, physical intimate moments, and emotional intimate moments I never thought I could give and share with someone. It looks pretty hurtful from where I stand. Thank you for this article. I am an optimist and hope and pray that eventually for the sake of our children Divorce is like living with a painful wound with which you learn to live for a very long time. This is no doubt an essential tool directly after infidelity has occurred, but it may be even important in dealing with infidelity years later. "@type": "Question", I became a shell of a person. They are irritating and dismissive, and predicated on assumptions that may not be true for all of us, including the adage that time heals all wounds. But moving on is not as simple as a prescription, especially when the past is the present, and the present is indeed a bitter pill. Ive been struggling with anxiety. I believe it's one of the fastest methods of emotional healing and transformation available today; You can learn to use tapping on your own, or see a therapist who uses meridian tapping.The aspects of "guilt" and "regret" should be at the top of the list of "tapping targets" to work on. He and the new wife (yes I still call her that) have been married the same amount of time we were. Its like I never existed, shared so many things together. He has seen me in a good, solid, happy relationship for several years now, and while life isnt without its challenges, in general, I have no complaints. This will only relieve the pain for one day and stall the healing process. I can relate a lot with you. I had an amicable split, ex was unhappy & I miss him & the good times and I Harbor so much guilt for not being the wife I should've been. tl;dr - ~2 years after discovering affair of long-term partner, life is pretty good. I've done my best to move on, and finally now I'm in another wonderful relationship almost ten years later with a man who loves me as much and now I know how to be grateful but this man is not brilliant or wealthy or liberal like my ex. 25 years gone after her affair. I wish I could tell people it gets better but it does not when you miss the love of your life. What makes a luxury lake home design special, Learn About the Very Wild and Interesting Psychedelic Era. The family I thought I had was broken by the man I gave my life to in marriage, nothing is ever the same again. Its very hard to move on and not think or focus on the should of, would of and could of. I am now very poor and work my butt off to just pay rent on a small apartment. "@type": "FAQPage", Divorce can be hard on children but, equally, so can watching parents fight and endure a loveless marriage "for the sake of the kids.". Add message Save Share Report Bookmark Why rock my boat. He is picking up on some aura, some mood, some indefatigable something that I am still carrying around, or that returns on certain familial occasions. Six years later I still grieve how my family was split up. As for looking to a new love, I have no desire. We didnt have children but were together almost 20 years, and Ive been separated almost 8 years. I think it just fine to feel it even years later despite moving on in many respects. She is the single mother of two boys. We have 2 grown children now1 doing very well, the other still trying to find his way. I send you a virtual warm and embracing hug. After a divorce, you're going to cycle through a spectrum of emotions and more than just sadness or jubilation. Am I happy where I am now, DEFINITELY. This will ensure that during the day, you are fully engaged at work and in the evening, you are in class. Thank you for this article! Joanne, Thank you Joanne. 1. I just dont know how I could have been so blind. Then my dream ends, and I wake up crying. Maybe its her you shouldnt trust and other women, those whove not hurt you, you should give a chance. Moving on after divorce certainly requires more than someones prescription. it has been 5 years she is with no one and I am not eather . Which is sad because we still get along, AOL and I. In the past 5 years I have gained more confident. Good luck! We seek out love relationships so that we can feel love. Copy and paste it, adding a note of your own, into your blog, a Web page, forums, a blog comment, My adult son came to live with me 20 years after his mother and I divorced. I initiated it. I thought I was the only person who had these feelings as other people seem to move on so quickly. My life was unraveling before my eyes. Especially finding out about the other persons affair 2 years later and how it was happening for much longer. I just found out today that the ex and his wife (my friend) have purchased property in a place where WE as a family would spend summers. That morning somehow felt like a pivotal moment in my life. Thank you for letting us with the dead dreams know were not alone on the days its sharp. We spoke to 12 men about life after divorce. No tool and not even with time repairs. We are none of us any one thing. I'm mad, yelling, and feel like I can't breathe. Thank you for putting your experience to paper which identifies the common pain we shareand doing it so perfectly. Im lucky my daughter still talks to me. Its been a struggle and I have a lot of guilt/remorse/regret Im the one who initiated the divorce. Now I do not trust myself for having been so wrong. I used to pray (if you can consider chain smoking outside your apt. While on the other side of the coin, your post made me have a lot of sympathy for you. So when I need to cry, I just let it out. I am finding it impossible to truly heal from the breakdown of my marriage and family. Why was I the one invited to the party but not given a piece of cake (again?). I am divorced now 6 years but find every day a struggle. I hate to think I will live and hurt the rest of my life like this, I just love her !! },{ Some people are never positive about their well-being. Many subsequent marriage proposals when younger but no remarriage. I am still sick about all of the deceit after being together since high school. Divorce may leave school-age kids between the ages of 6 and 11 struggling with feelings of abandonment. And the recent weddings for two of our sons? When we married I thought the deal was made for life. I thought it would finally bring an end to feeling trapped, unhappy and hopeless. There's also the practical side of it. Wow. 3-5 years. However, in as much as the pain is there, its good to mourn but this should not take forever, one should get to know the way out and know how to get out of it, then move on. 20. And yes, so much collateral damage. Im also thankful that there were no answers in your message. I truly hope in 2018, I can have a clear mind and an open heart. Add in a young child, and the other spouse refusing to work on things, rather, cut bait and get out immediately with no reason. Time does not heal all wounds. You can still love her without remaining in daily pain. Lest you think thats all there is, I repeat: These days, life is pretty good. I found out my wife of 23 years (27 years together) was having an affair the last Sunday in January 2021. It sort of put me in a bad spot, because I have no family of my own, so her family was my family. This is a very good article. from their father when they need us both. It is 14 years since he walked out on 30 years of being together, 29 of those married, and he is now married to the woman he had the affair with. your Facebook account, or anywhere that someone would find this page valuable. Sam, I find it odd that you dont trust other women but would trust the woman causing your pain and welcome her back. Thank God I found this. but it still remained as vague and dusky as the smoke from my cigarettes. xo, Im so sorry to hear of your sadness. I am deeply saddened reading the pain others feel and the hurt by being on the receiving end of divorce. D. A. Wolf is a professional writer, editor, and independent marketing and social media consultant. If you can't see a therapist to talk to about your feelings, remember that self-care after a breakup is key. I am fairly young (late-30s), and I still feel that I want children. The days I dont see my son are brutally hard. I never should have married the guy in the first place, but divorcing him was just horrible. I have been thinking about just adopting and doing the single father thing. It took him 6 years to make up his mind to go through with a divorce. He frankly pales in comparison but after all the lonely years and horrible men, I'm so grateful to have him. The story is almost the same, two wonderful boys and was married for 17 years. Shelia sorry to hear about your story. Effects of Divorce on Children: 6 to 11 Years Old. Its pretty impossible to put into words how I feel after 5 years since our family disintegrated. Children from divorced families may experience more externalizing problems, such as conduct disorders, delinquency, and impulsive behavior than kids from two-parent families. A moth named Once-married Underwing (Catocala unijuga) curiously rests beneath the eaves today. Deep down, if she tried to come back, Id take her back. It happens that even after ten years, the pain persists even if it was an amicable divorce. March 2, 2023, 8:09 AM. I do not want to be with my ex as he did some very bad things, but I mourn for the loss of our whole family as a unit and broken promises. Does it mock me? It's over between Real Housewives of Atlanta star Drew Sidora and Ralph Pittman. I never reached out to him for assistance. As I feel like I should be over it 6 years on but Im not. Deeply sad, and still in pain. Its like I never existed in her world. 6-12 years. Now, as I hear my son tell me how her second marriage is deteriorating memories that I buried through hard work refresh themselves as if they are new.