* RECOMMENDED CONFIGURATION VARIABLES: EDIT AND UNCOMMENT Sex is extremely painful, regardless of whatever I use to try and counteract the problem. Tall. At your age, dont run until you exhaust all your options. I just CANNOT do things he EXPECTS from me because of how that makes me feel, ESPECIALLY when it comes to intimacy. Senior Planet subscribers also get The Weekly Orbit, our newsletter with features about personal finance, health and fitness, technology tips, an online book club and more! Stay with it, work on it with her. Tired of initiating intimacy? If you have gone through months or years of being patient with your wife and still arent feeling physically connected, it may be time for, Are You Ready to Start Dating Again Ask Yourself These 5 Questions, Research shows that women who had a positive view of themselves, reported higher levels of intimate encounters, 30 Foreplay Ideas That Will Surely Spice up Your Sex Life, This can be difficult since, statistically, couples are, to talk about sexual matters the same way they would other conflicts, such as children or finances. My husband had 19 affairs. It may be helpful for her to speak with her doctor about her struggles with libido, if relevant, to see if an adjustment in her treatment plan may help. Please explain to me. I watch the couples in my family and I saw the future. He didnt see me and since that day, my attitude towards him has changed. He treats me like a food friend and we do get along otherwise. If his wife doesn't want to meet those needs, she should support him getting them met elsewhere or just set him free . If you notice your wife acting awkward or becoming extremely tense when you try to touch her, it means she is not liking the fact that you are being physical. She didnt. I mean the guy has a woman more than willing to get playful and see what happens and he uses porn? I was already starting to think that I was a man born in a womans body!!! If these thoughts are not at the forefront of your relational mind, well, your (our) love(s) and relationships may in fact die. I get angry, then sad and depressed. Instead of focusing on harmful sentiments like, What to do when wife wont put out? try to work on the issues you two are having. "Not everyone needs emotional connection for sex to be great, but in long-term relationships, the lack of connection can be a huge factor in a person's desire to have sex with their partner," psychologist Margaret Paul, Ph.D., writes at mbg. It got to the point that he wanted sex badly and was about to lose his mind. Period. Dear, dear men, It is sad when u see other men drooling over me but the one I want. Im 69 and still active. As far as the guy I liked, nothing ever came of it. Friends and family say theres going to be a decrease in libido, but its been almost a whole year since she has even initiated anything, he added. Our sexual problems are much more complex because I have accepted the fact that she really wants to be intimate but the cost is too high. What the heck! If theres resentment in the marriage, its bound to manifest itself in a sexless marriage. she and I cannot even sit on the couch and watch TV as she scoots away from me. Even if you have something as small as a minor headache or you cut yourself while cooking, a loving wife will always be ready to pounce and get the first aid kit. Im 65, shes 70. Therapy will help you identify the issues underlying the lack of sex, teach you how to communicate more effectively, give you strategies for regaining your intimacy if shes willing, and tools for coping if shes not, and offer you the boost you need to work on your relationship. When she was in the mood, my wife really enjoyed sex and had great orgasms, but that mood hit less and less frequently. Laura. I just dont understand. I am afraid Buck is correct. He is a kind man and I love him. Men are not brain dead. All rights reserved. Shes my buddy. So no, this was not the place to blow your horn. But just remember, mature willing women are unicorns. And Im okay with that. I couldnt relate to those feelings, but I was expected to understand them as a husband. She put in over $300K on our $1M house and I told her we may need to sell it when my youngest graduates high school. I set up a Revenge cheat. Blood flow to the clitoris and vagina decreases, and the clitoris shrinks. I have tried to keep myself in shape, etc., and he is certainly in fairly good shape too. If theyve been fighting the whole day, physical intimacy is the last thing on their mind. I hope to eventually meet another same sex partner willing to take her time and see what works. We have tried everything ( I mean everything ) but nothing seems to work and Im getting desperate! We still find a way a couple of times a month, but it took my husband a long time to not feel he was at fault. Resentment in the marriage eventually leads to conflict and arguments. I want that back in my life as well! He has with held sex before, once or twice when he was mad at me a couple of times in the past 18 year, that was my punishment. Be grateful you were able to find someone in life to love and be loved by, many of us take this for granted not realizing how many lonely people there are out there who were never as lucky as we have been. Shes sorry, but I love her and say its ok. So, youre going to break up a marriage of 43 years, because you dont want to masturbate. What to do about it: "You need to take the stress out of sex in three steps: Challenge your expectations, communicate effectively with your partner, and take the pressure off by using new physical experiences," Zimmerman advises. Im 47 and this happened to me. So now a hug one a day (maybe) and pecks on lips when leaving house. I am 64 and met a 75 widower for 13 years whom exercises, takes a natural supplement to help with blood flow, and takes occasional viagra. . Nothing arouses it. 7. She was before marriage. 330 Comments Feeling loved and getting affection, including sex is important to me. If your wife is pregnant or has had a baby in the last year, it could be a mix of pure exhaustion and wild hormones that are causing her libido to be off kilter. Cause it needs done. Those hormones can cause cancer. It might be time for you to be more responsible and let your wife have some me-time. Pamper her with a spa day or take her out on a nice vacation for two, to break the monotony and give her the relaxation she truly needs and deserves. The night my son died was when my loss of interest began, in fact it vanished, period. Just because one grows older doesnt mean that sex is over. Am I undesirable? Im 55 my name is Tom, I havent made love to my wife in nearly 9 years due to her having several medical issues. I am dry (we tried lubricant) and hes small (always been, but seems more so in his 60s) and he doesnt get or stay very hard at all. I am 60 soon and dread having to try and start again. Most dont ever have this figured out. You take care of you! You either need to leave or stay in it knowing that she is sexless towards you. Haha Im not going to belittle my husband and make him feel less of a man when he is the one with impotence. That last sentence got my attention. The dog loves her. Her 90-year-old mother lives with us, and I love her like my own mom. As your wife pushes you away, you might feel tempted to use porn, but porn robs you of genuine desire for your wife. Its been a slow process in development, heading to the place we have arrived in our relationship. I would be willing to bet the majority of men in our position have gone above and beyond to save our marriages, only to get a SELFISH wife to deny us to the point that we lose all our self esteem. Who sacrifices? Married 36 years, neither of us had sex with anyone including each other until our wedding night: It was tough, but my choice. This is probably not the case between a wife and husband who have lost a level of intimacy in their relationship. Sure I wish I could be confident in her skin too but Im not going to let it overwhelm me. She understands that its hard for me, but we both dont know what to do about the situation. Let them know how their refusal to engage with you sexually has affected you emotionally, physically, mentally and pyschologically. Now that you know that this could also be the reason why your wife avoids physical contact, you need to be her rock and convince her that you still think shes as beautiful as the day when you first met her. A husband must shoehorn that sex drive into the confines of marriage, where only his wife can accommodate it. I always talk to her and ask what turns her on. Quite frankly, I feel like he has been and is being cheated.
11 Signs Your Boyfriend Isn't Interested In You Sexually Anymore She needs you to see the world from her eyes and to understand her perspective. We feel just as frustrated that our actions are not recognized by our women. It is frustrating, but I would never give up our marriage over it. Its at least mean . Wtf are we supposed to do when our spouse doesnt want to make love? ( I told him about the job opening). About 10 % Love 90% Hate. Will, I dont see ruling the relationship and demanding that a wife relieve her husband, even if shes sore or unwilling, as a solution to anything except an unhappy wife. Take your time and show your wife youre not in a hurry. Thats something that you honestly need to ask yourself. Life is way too short! Technology is at an amazing point for this right now. I cant live another 30 years with him like thus. If you would like to express a comment about Senior Planet locations or programs, please contact supporters@seniorplanet.org. Remember what you felt, believed, and why. For most women, sexual desire is fueled by romantic feelings for their partner. Not sure what feels worse, not getting any or getting it with her just laying there. And you are wasting your life . Who gets up and takes card of them? If divorce is not an option then get involved outside the home. Thank you, great essay. Two lovers need boundaries to choose their path. Mike it could be only your fault if you are not touching her! And everyone under his authority flourishes. I enjoy sex, but I am often fatigued and have low energy. Avoiding divorce, men have two choices, acceptance/celibacy or cheating. A person wants to, and intends to, stay faithful to their spouse in a sexless marriage and be a good Catholic at the same time is faced with, what seems to me, a no win situation. As a matter of fact, if shes not enjoying herself, I stop. Tell her that you love her. Keep it as quick as I can at 41 I had neck surgery, nothing below waist working very well, had penis pump install, went from 6 to 3 (maybe) tip flops around cant penetrate vagina.she at time started Menopause and wasnt really interested anyway. Many claim that its women who become dis- But if neither of those possible remedies to the sexless marriage proves satisfactory, then perhaps the couple should agree to allow the husband to seek sex outside of the marriage. but you most certainly are putting up with it, by acquiescing your role in your own home and your role as the male in your relationship. Better have the most compatibly with someone ans have a happy fulfilling relationship. You ever think about getting some on the side? I met a man at work a while back, he was attracted to me, he was in a sexless marriage (so he said). First, that every interaction will be based on trust. Here are some things that you can try if you want to get intimate with your spouse. My wife and I are in our late 50s and connect wonderfully in all ways. Youre the only one here who gets the dynamic. Maybe have her read what you have posted here so she can see your pain all laid out with no interruptions like conversations can have when 2 people are both upset and talk at the same time. You are so right. If you are not. Due to major health issues and aging, we just quit altogether. I know that it sounds crazy but I never thought about it but that part of our problem came to a head after our 35 year old son (our only child) was killed in an on the job accident. As for porn, I dont mind it at all when he watches it (though he thinks I never see him), after all, we are all human and have drives and needs. If the lack of interest becomes an ongoing pattern, consider any of the above potential reasons. She NEVER asks but will tell me I can have it whenever I want. Got lost there. Shes been mostly dry since a few years before menopause. I finally asked him he said I was crab and mad all the time, I have a lot of pain and take a lot of meds sometime, and yes I am very unhappy with my life, but I try to hid it. I dont clean enough, cook enough, keep on top of appointments, follow his assignments since youre retired now, you can do and I get assignments. Guys. It doesnt necessarily make it better but it makes sense. Been there, done that. The counselor ABSOLUTELY never touched on the subject of sex. He then sits and reads for hours on end. Because of its addictive nature, it rewires the brain by desensitizing you. My wife I encourage to have her hobbies and she is a nice person. I always aimEd to please her with oral sex preceded by lots of massaging, rubbing, kissing etc. Its not worth the stress. So not. Were communicating better but no changes to our sex life even though he has plenty of blue pills. The more I got, the more I wanted. Which now seems gone forever. Ill say this, If you truely love your spouse and THEY need intimacy, find a way to make SOMETHING happen because you are killing them. 69 years old and no sex together for over 20 years..I asked her if she ever gets horny anymore like when we were dating..she flatly stated no, and if thats a dealbreaker so be it. Now, for the past several months, we go to bed together and after I have fallen asleep, he starts masterbating and the shaking of the bed awakens me. Once we get a savings built up, we are going to enjoy life and enjoy ourselves even more. Im gonna ask you a serious question please be honest. Also, I have experienced ageism in the job market. It Might pass , 45 is menopausal years and I was once told by a friend older than me at the time that it can be like a light switch once you are through menopause and that can be true because what drives sexual desire , it has much to do with hormones and post menopause or during, a women losses a tremendous amount of hormones and hormone replacement ( they will many x use birth control for that) makes one sick or intolerant and I have read many articles in the past that hormone replacement can put one of high risk of cancer in older women, please I am far from a Dr. not even close, but this is what I have gathered along the way. Affection (hold hands, rub shoulders, tap butt, arm around shoulder, hugs, kisses, winks, that special look, etc), compliments, please, thank you, inside jokes, cheerleader, cleaning, cooking, repairs, child rearing, activities together, exercise together, etc will go a long way to leading to sex again. 10 year sexless marriage. He (so far) said no. Even before this, she told me she does not want to nor have any desire for sex or intimacy with me or anyone. Would you expect your wife to attach as much emotional significance to cooking dinner as to making love? Needless to say, both of us are feeling a renewed awareness of who we were and now are. Seems like you do not really love your husband any more. One of the top sexual concerns women have is feeling self-conscious about their own bodies during sex.
5 Things to Do if Your Wife Never Initiates Intimacy Look, we have all pretty much aged our of sexual adventurism but our minds refuse to accept it. Im in the same situation with my overweight, lazy, 48 year old wife. He retired a decade ago against my wishes. For many of us, male and female, the virtue of sex resides in the shared experience. Seriously? My husband is 46 gringo! I have to listen to her telling me I am fat etc. Jack- SHe aint lost brother. I have the same situation you describe, almost to a T. The only thing thats worse is that my husband is sneakily still interested in porn and satisfying himself when Im not around. If you are not communicating about this, nothing will change. As we age we need to look at things with a different perspective. I feel very blessed, because my gynecologist put me on low dose hormone therapy. Or does it not matter what the man wants? I started seeing sex workers. Bob, my wife is the same way, says she feels bad she has zero interest in sex, but doesnt offer anything like oral or HJ either. And somehow we have convinced ourselves sex has become less important to us as we age and replaced by the comfort of just knowing we love one another? Ive got wonder if she really was just needing something to be mad at me for. Absolute rubbish! I had to fend for myself, and I could have done that before we were married. I think if my husband was interested in sex, even if it is too small and limp now, he would at least try to help ease my throbbing desire. I do not understand why they got married in the first place!!! I am a 52 year old woman who has had a hysterectomy and has gone through menopause and I have always had a high libido and still do. We never had sex before marriage and on our wedding night he rolled over and went to sleep. She has absolutely no interest in it. You deserve to be happy in your life as well. I bet theres either something from you, or shes hiding a big lie. Men provide protection, stability, and resources. Thanks Buck for being brutally honest, I can relate to it and know how much painful it is, seeing your wife everyday but I cant even hold her because shell embarrass me with a comeback that all I want is sex and Ill get humiliated and will just eventually die inside. As well as almost no feeling there as well. In my is own skin. I totally understand how lingering issues in a relationship make it ridiculously hard to want to have sex. Demetria, so how old are you now? Share the moments and activities she loves and see how your desirability shoots for the clouds. I would like to add that many women also feel a great deal of resentment which builds over time I had literally experienced everything you mentioned in your post and then I had a bilateral mastectomy and chemotherapy for breast cancer. Get our newsletters to make sure you never miss a thing! Sigh . My NEW husband gets a hard on, loves me to give him oral sex but is not sexually attracted to me at all. for signs she is interested in someone else. 57mwm here. not someone to basically jerk off into. When we had our kids he was so mad because the babies got attention from me and thought when home they should take back stage. Period!!! Accept her no lovingly, masturbate, and initiate again another day. To me, that is emotional abuse. Womens inherent nesting instinct naturally shifts their focus to family and kids, and this may, in turn, affect the mind space she can allocate to you and sexual desires. I think it was William Shakespeare who pondered what an irony it was that desire usually so outlasts ability. Surprise her by getting a sitter and taking her to a nice dinner. Now it is back to looking at every other couple as maybe having something unattainable for me and my Wife. Many of us could not conceive of divorcing because we have spent a lifetime waiting around to be shown once again that we are desired by the one person we have shared our lives with and still very much love. Ive been teaching this to other young men for some time. This is sad. If your wife has recently lost interest in sex, it might be tied to her feelings about her body these days. I have kept fit and kept busy. The wife does not want to start sex and me asking her OVER and OVER and OVER got to her and her rejections and excuses got to me felt like there is always some excuse. var disqus_config = function () { Right. Ive tried suggesting a date, but its hard to find something she wants to do or doesnt cost too much. We try vaginal sex sometimes but even lubing doesnt help all that much. Prior to that, for seven years, we would occasionally engage in oral, which was unsatisfying since it was one sided and felt mechanical. So I know him well, this is extremely painful and heartbreaking. Married 10 years!!!! He was several yrs younger than me, Ive Never been married & Ive had a half dozen BFs or so. Thank you for recognizing a very very bad situation and trying to remedy. Step out of your own hurt feelings and into her world. We does not seeem to need to hug or cuddle either. You can be honest while also being flexible and compassionate. Sometimes, the answer to, My wife rejects me all the time and I dont know why, can be the simple fact that youre not taking care of yourself anymore. I have been married for almost 30 years and except for 3 wonderful children our sex life has been hit and miss. I had suggest different ways to have sex and she blew up, I was bored and suggested maybe trying different ways, right away I was a pervert and she called me names that shouldnt be repeated here and kicked out of bed. "Feeling expected to have sex a certain way, or feeling like you need to have intercourse if you explore desire with your partner, can actually strangle a woman's libido over time.". I say I know exactly what youre taking about because my wife has had four back surgeries and we have sex RARELY! Only you can decide if this is right for you. Weve all heard the answer to no Sex is stop having Sex? "Having small children is a frequent and legitimate excuse for not having sex.". Now, I just want to be wanted by her. So around our house it is whispered, why is he mad? Think of the biblical verse Ecclesiastes 3. Wow wish my hubby was so attentive as you! None the less partners have to also accept it is something you dont get used to or get over. No, I should say male divined WRONG! Tried all the hormones, the therapy, the talks, and yes, even the threats of stepping out if things dont improve. What to do about it: If you've talked about all the other reasons on this list and mutually feel great about your relationship (talk to her about thisdon't assume! The article itself is very weak and rehashed b.s., But the comments are priceless! A woman who feels that shes living with a man whocant regain her trust after cheating will most certainly have problems connecting with him on an emotional as well as physical level. I tried internet sex and while interesting it is not enough. Sorry long diatribe. I wish she would just go away and never come back, shes got just about everything I own. However, whenever a relationship began getting serious my body would suddenly shut down- no erection, no ejaculation, no desire. I am beginning to think that we are supposed to get old. It sounds like you need a little bad-boy edge to get her engine revving. Perhaps your husband, as well as a few troglodytes posting here, are in need of some attitude adjustments, but you shouldnt paint all men with the same brush. When he gets it, his wife & children are covered in security & abundance. I understand completely!!!! I am male. Still in love with Vicky. Maybe your wife isn't initiating sex, or she seems to be actively avoiding it. So, while some continue to coax and prod their spouses to get them in the mood, others resign to fate and either make peace with a sex-starved existence or look for gratification elsewhere. Here are the 15 most probable reasons behind your wifes lack of interest in intimacy. Women fall in love with their husbands have kids and having kids taking care of the kids 99.99% and working full time or taking some class to better your job. A little over 43 without sex, or dealing with her, I do my own thing and dont really care what she does. Prostate cancer is the #1 cancer in older men and when the prostate is removed during surgery it makes a man totally impotent no erection, no ejaculation, no orgasm plus total incontinence which means the post cancer patient needs to wear Depends diapers for the rest of his life.
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